


It's Hard, But I...

by Humoresque



Category: Tales of Xillia, Tales of Xillia 2
Genre: Acceptance, F/M, First Confession, Hurt/Comfort, Leia being more emotional than she ever lets out, Ludger being even more of a supportive friend/boyfriend, Older men teasing the young ones because they're adorably mean, Romance, Shy babies being shy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 09:38:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2768372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Humoresque/pseuds/Humoresque
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leia is tired of being second. Ludger is tired of running. Both decided that enough is enough, but neither expected what would come as a result.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Hard, But I...

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not good with summaries. I'm really not. I am also not good at titles. Bear with me on this.  
> This is not my first fanfiction ever, but it is on AO3, so I'm pretty nervous about it. Nervous, yet proud.  
> Hope you enjoy.

“You ok, Leia?”

“Oh, Ludger...” she blushed a little. “Y-yeah! I'm the same as always!”

He gently smiled. “I see.”

The blush didn't leave her face as she continued to look at him. She always liked his smile. It calmed her down during rare moments of anxiety. She would be lying if she said she didn't have feelings for Jude anymore, however, since she met Ludger, there was always this attachment she felt towards him. She never let it bother her, focusing more on what her next big story would be or looking out for the others. Love was always something she wanted, yet didn't believe she would get. With Jude head-over-heels for Milla, who else could be perfect for her? She never found anyone...

Until Ludger came.

“Mind if I sit with you?”

Leia blinked. “Huh? O-oh, yeah! Sorry! I was just a little out of it.”

He kept his smile. “I could tell. Something on your mind?”

_You. Jude. Love. Things that I shouldn't be worrying about._

“Nah, nothing too important.”

He continued to stare at her for a little while before he turned around, staring at the bridge connecting Elympios and Rieze Maxia. “How's the article going?”

“Oh! It's progressing well. All thanks to you!”

He looked at her. “Huh?”

“The info you gave me! How you grew up, what you learned about Rieze Maxia... it's definitely crucial data that I needed. Oh, but don't worry! I'm not gonna put you on the spotlight or anything.”

“Don't worry about it. I'm glad I could help out.”

“You always help me out, Ludger! Really, where would I be without you?”

Leia gave him her traditional bright grin, teeth bare and eyes shut. In doing so, she failed to notice the slight blush that grew on his face.

“Ah... yeah.”

She opened her eyes and looked at him, confusion etched on her face. “What's wrong? Did I say something wrong?”

He shook his head. “N-no. Not at all. Just...” He was at a loss for words. That shocked Leia a bit. _He always knows what to say. I don't think I've ever really heard him stutter either..._ Then another idea came to her, causing a slightly deeper blush to form on her cheeks.

_Did he stutter because of me?_

A sense of pride whelmed up inside of her.  _I could never do this to Jude._ She would never think of Ludger as a replacement for Jude in her heart; he would never leave. He was her first love. Something like that, you could never forget. She always had hope that he would look at her the same way he does to Milla. She wanted him to call out her name like he does for the beautiful woman. When he went through those months of depression because we all thought we lose Milla, part of her died. She still kept her smiles and jokes to try and make him smile again, and whenever they didn't work, she would simply try again. 

Leia would never admit it to anyone, but whenever Jude was asleep, she would stay by his side and simply cry her heart out. Tears that no one has ever seen but her. Tears that no one should ever know about. It's bad enough that everyone worries about Jude and his do-good attitude which constantly gets him into trouble. No one needs to worry about her. That's why she smiles. That's why she's always so optimistic. That's why she puts everyone above herself. So no one will see the pain she keeps to herself deep inside.

“Leia?”

A blink. Two blinks. “OH! Ludger, I'm so sorry!! I've really been spacing out all day! Ahaha... ha...” she sighs.

“... Are you sure you're alright?”

“Yeah... I'm fine. Just... thinking, you know?”

“About?”

A slight blush. “N-nothing important. I said that already, didn't I?”

A nod. “You did. However, it must be important to let it bother you this much, right? Is there anything I can do?”

_You may be the only one who can._ “No, it's alright. … It's tough, being a girl.”

“Huh?”

“Emotions. We tend to carry them more than boys do. We rely on them more. Sometimes, despite better judgment, we follow our hearts rather than our heads. It can lead to... a lot of pain, you know?”

Ludger stayed silent, listening intently. He nodded in response. Leia continued.

“And it's like... you start to over-think things that really shouldn't be that important, but they really are, and it just adds on more to the pain, the fear, the... everything, really. But I can't show any emotion other than happiness.”

Ludger spoke up then. “Who says?”

A pained smile in response. “Myself.”

She was met with silence as a response, so she continued.

“I'm not saying guys don't have it rough, but... why should I keep up this... facade just to please other people? Why do I smile when I honestly just want to cry my eyes out? Why do I joke when I feel like crumbling? Why can't I...”

Ludger noticed her trembling. He debated whether to touch her or let her be and continue to listen. He chose the latter.

“... Why can't I have him? Why can't he look at me the way he looks at her? What is it about me that doesn't appeal to him? Why... is it her and not me?”

_Ah._ Ludger understood. Everyone but Jude himself knew Leia always had feelings for him. The way he reacted when he saw “Fractured Milla” said it all about who his heart belonged to.  _I can relate, in a way. Nova shot me down when I confessed to her. But... wait..._

“Did you ever tell him how you felt, Leia?”

Her head shot up and looked straight at him, clear signs of glistening eyes ready to trail down her cheeks. She shook her head, a pained smile on her face.

“No... I always knew... that it wouldn't ever happen. Even if I told him, it was never meant to be, you know? I was never the type of girl for him, and that's why. I'm a girl. I will always be a girl. I'm not a woman like Milla. I don't have curves or a big chest like she does, I'm not mature like her... I'm nothing like Milla. That's why I can never be good enough for Jude. But I can never hate him for that. I tried to change... to be more like Milla. Just to get Jude's attention, and the respect of everyone else. We all look up to her. She's... important to all of us. This is what girls do. We go through all this trouble just to get a guy we like to notice us as more than just 'that friend.' Then when it doesn't happen, we'll compare ourselves to the women we lost to and cry about it either in privacy or to a close friend we can trust.”

Ludger debated for a second, but he spoke up.

“Don't you trust me?”

She giggled a bit. “Of course I do. But I guess that's where the problem comes in: I trust all of you with my life, yet I can't do something as simple as cry in front of you. I guess my pride is too strong.”

He smiled. “You do have a lot of it.”

She gave him a grin. “Of course! I wouldn't be Leia if I didn't!!”

A comfortable silence took over as they both pondered their thoughts, looking toward the bridge once more. Finally, Ludger was the one to speak up.

“I understand what you mean... about pride.”

Leia looked at him. He continued.

“I'm not too fond of showing my emotions either. Maybe it's a kind of 'alpha male' thing, but... being a leader of sorts, it's not exactly good to falter. Once the leader goes down, the rest follow. I don't think of myself as a leader at all, but... you all look up to me, right?”

Leia immediately nodded. “Of course we do! You're... well... you are like the leader. Jude could have been considered the leader a year ago, but now... it's you, in a way.”

Ludger nodded. “I'm sure he's felt things like I am now. The fear of letting you all down, the promises I have to keep, maintaining peace and morale for the group... when I see someone suffer, I suffer as well. We're not just some group traveling together to find the Land of Canaan. We're... friends. Family, actually, at least to me. Before, I only had Julius and Rollo. Now... I have Elle. Jude, Milla, Alvin, Elize, Rowen, Gaius, Muzet... and you, Leia. All of you are my family now. I can't afford to lose any of you. And it hurts to know that you're holding so much pain inside. Friends... they rely on each other. They guide each other. They trust each other. I know... I rely on you. I help guide you. I also trust you with my life. So... is it really that bad for you to do the same with the others? And even with me?”

Tears.  _Ah. I'm crying... in front of Ludger..._ Leia allowed herself to cry this time without realizing she had already started. She felt like such a fool for crying in public, but part of her felt... relieved. She could finally cry in front of someone. This would probably be the first and last time she wou-

“Leia.”

Leia felt herself being pulled into a tight, warm embrace. She slowly opened her eyes, which were closed to hide her embarrassment, and saw water, people doing their shopping, and some gray-silver hair with just a dash of black.  _He's hugging me... Ludger is hugging me. Why? Jude never hugged me like this. What is this? I don't... understand._

Ludger himself was a little nervous about the entire situation. It's not often that he holds a person. With Elle, it's different. She's a little girl, and he protects her like an older brother, maybe even like a father. With Leia... there is a different emotion building inside of him. Yes, he feels protective of her, but even more so, it's a strong desire to be by her side. He would ponder about it from time to time, especially when he would help her out with the article. Seeing her smile made him happy. Her laughter was contagious, and he would almost always laugh with her. Her optimism is the prime of the team; everyone needed her.  _Does she not realize how loved and cherished she is?_

“U-um... Ludger...?”

His hold on her tightened as he progressed his thoughts. He was beginning to awaken to some rather powerful emotions in his heart, most in which he never got to experience with Nova. It wasn't until Leia timidly wrapped her arms around Ludger that he had a sudden realization. Somewhere along the line, Ludger figured it out. It took him a lot of thought, sudden memories, and a crying Leia in his arms to have it slammed in his face.

_I fell in love with her._

Leia didn't know what to do. She did, however, feel safe in Ludger's embrace. That was something she could never deny. Many times she wished Jude would hug her like this. She felt like such an idiot thinking of one man when in another man's arms. At first, she felt that maybe he was pitying her. She immediately forced that thought out of her head.  _Ludger would never do that. ...His voice when he said my name..._ It was filled with affection. There was no pity. There was no sympathy. Trust and comfort was the emotions she felt, and a growing need to stay by his side. She hated being selfish, but she wanted to be. Even if just for this moment, she wanted things to go her way. She wanted this moment to last an eternia. It was then that she had a realization, much like Ludger.  _Do I have to feel stuck on Jude for the rest of my life? I always thought Jude was the one... the only one. He's everything to me, and yet... at this moment, he's not who I want. This... this isn't just some fleeting emotion that'll pass when he lets me go and we continue on with our lives._

No. Leia knew better than that. She wanted Jude because he was always the one who was by her side since they were kids. He was her best friend, her partner, her life. She knew he would find someone he would want to settle down with, marry and have children with, and live the rest of his life in absolute bliss... and it wasn't going to be her.  _It was never going to be me._ Still, she had hope. Leia was never the type to give up. However, when she met Milla, her resolve faltered. She could tell, just from the way he acted with the beautiful woman, that any chance she possibly could have had, was completely and utterly gone. She wore a grin and stuck with it. When Milla died, Jude gave up. Leia tried hard every single day to bring even a shred of the old Jude back. When he would smack a plate full of food away, she would laugh, joke a little, clean the mess, and tell him that she would be back with more. She always came back with more food. She always stayed by his side. She always protected him. Jude woke up when Alvin shot her, but he was still a ways from being completely Jude. When Milla came back, Leia knew she lost for good. She gave up, but the feelings never died. Even now, she suffers from a lost love before she could even hold it, before she could even treasure it. She will never be able to cherish a future with the boy she loved since she was a little girl. The boy who slowly became a man left her behind, and she will always love him.  _But now... the love I have for Jude... it's not what it was before I confided in-_

“Ludger...”

He stiffened a bit, worried if maybe he held onto her for too long. He was about to pull away when her hold on him tightened.

“Don't... not yet. Please... let me be a little selfish. Just this once.”

She felt him relax, and ease back into her warmth. She smiled then. It was the first true smile she had done since the heart-to-heart even started. _Heart-to-heart... never thought I would have one of those. It feels... nice. But... that's probably because it was with Ludger... right?_

“Are you... okay?” She could hear the hesitation in his voice. Her grip on his jacket tightened.

“Yes. I'm wonderful. I'm sorry. This is very 'un-Leia-like' of me, huh?”

A chuckle. She blushed. _I want to to be the reason for his laughter._

“Maybe, but I like this side of you too.” _I want him to like all of me._

“You jerk... do you like seeing girls cry?” _I want to be the only one he comforts like this._

“Of course not! I mean... being honest about how you feel. Your emotions... I like it. I feel like... a close friend.” _I want to be more than friends._

“A close friend?” _I want to be more._

“Yeah. Someone you can depend on.” _Can't we be more?_

“I do depend on you. I depend on all of you. I just can't show it. Pride, you know.” _Why am I so persistent? What is it I- … oh. O-oh... my God..._

“I know. Even if this is just a one-time thing, I'm glad it was with me.”

_I love him._

Leia will admit that she's a bit of an airhead. The whole concept of “love at first sight” always interested her. She felt that with Jude, after all. The love only grew as she lived her life with him. Ludger...  _he was definitely a very attractive guy when I first saw him._ She would never deny Ludger's looks. She grew to like him more as she fought alongside him. The way he would look out for her, taking hits for her, healing her... of course, she did the same for him. It only brought them closer together. She would get this dark feeling deep inside when she saw him conversing with the others, even Jude. Muzet was worse, the way she would lift his head with just a finger and look at him with those sultry eyes of hers...  _I could do that too! W-well, if I was a floating spirit, maybe!!_ She internally sighed.

To be perfectly honest, Ludger felt like he was on the moon, floating amongst the stars. The happiness he felt was currently being contained in his inner thoughts, slowing seeping out through the hold he had on the girl-  **woman** he was holding in his arms. Just minutes ago, he learned that he was in love with her, and the feelings were strong; stronger than he ever thought they would be for anyone. The thought scared him, for one, but it also felt like a rush... it was something that was there and he loved the feeling and wanted it to stay there forever to the end of his days and even further beyond that. It was exhilarating and terrifying and warming and...  _ it feels right. _ He has only felt this with Leia and he only wants to feel like this for her. Just her... only her. These thoughts had made him create a new thought altogether, solely focusing on the one he loved:  _ Do I tell her? _ It was more than that, if he was being honest.  _ How do I tell her? When do I tell her? Will she accept me? I'm not Jude... can I be what she needs? _

_ How do I confess to him? Didn't he love Nova? Why do the ones I want... wish to be with another? _ Leia was having similar thoughts, not that she knew what Ludger was thinking. She found it easier to assume that he was hugging her out of pity. No one liked to see another person cry. Ludger is kind. Jude is kind.  _ Yet why won't either be with me? Am I... not girly enough? _ She could never consider herself very feminine, because she never really liked being too extreme about it. However, she was a female and females tend to follow their heart, even if it's wrong. They are driven by emotions, more than they would like to accept as normal. 

“... Ludger, I-”

Whatever Leia was going to say, Ludger had cut her off by pressing his lips on hers. All the worries he had racing inside his head, he was just sick of thinking about them. He actually surprised himself for his sudden actions. He knew what he wanted, but he never acted on them like this. The thought made Ludger hold onto Leia a little closer, a little tighter. His lips stayed connected to hers until they both needed to breathe. Slowly pulling away, he simply looked at her, waiting for some kind of response. His eyes watched hers, seeing her fidget a little. Her face turned red, from what he assumed was the actual realization of what he had just done to her. Unable to hold himself back, he kissed her again.

Leia couldn't process her thoughts. She wasn't even sure if she was able to  _ think _ properly anymore, not with Ludger in a lip-lock with her. Smiling within the kiss, she allowed the tears to once again fall down her face. Moving a hand off his back, she moved it to his cheek, and started to kiss back with a little more fervor. She could feel a sudden movement from Ludger, which she assumed was surprise. Leia couldn't blame him; the way she was acting was quite the shock to herself. After stopping to catch their breaths again, Leia started to speak.

“... I love you, Ludger.”

He smiled, a more loving smile than she was used to seeing from him. It tugged at her heartstrings. “Yeah. I...” He paused to sigh. “... Am I okay?”

Leia tilted her head in confusion.

“What I mean is...” A little hesitation. “... are you okay with me? What about Jude?”

_ That's right. _ Leia knew she would always love Jude, but thanks to Ludger, she was finally ready to move on from a love that would forever remain unrequited. He would never love her like he loved Milla, but Ludger was willing and ready to love her more than she would have ever imagined anyone to. She gave him a gentle smile, one that was touched with pain, yet still maintained enough of happiness to be true.

“Jude... will always be someone I love.” Ludger looked down. “And yet... when it comes to being **in love** with someone...” She raised his head to look at him straight in his eyes. “... I only see you, Ludger.”

Shock etched on his face, then seconds later, he managed to smile. She grinned back, and said with even more confidence, “I am in love with you, Ludger Kresnik.”

While it seemed like she was going to say more, he silenced her with a breath-taking kiss.

_ I love you too, Leia. Always. _

 

-x-x-x-x-x-

 

“Ah, there you guys are! Where have you been?”

Leia waved while Ludger simply raised his hand in greeting. “We, um...” Leia had started to talk, but she suddenly went red and looked away, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone.

“Leia?” Jude called out. “You okay?”

“Y-yes! I'm fine, Jude! Geez...” Not believing her, Jude placed his hand on her forehead.

“Hrm... you're feeling a little hot. Are you sure you're not sick? I can get some medicine for you...”

Ludger, feeling a little jealous by the sudden intimacy, pulled Leia closer to him. Wrapping his free arm around her, he said, “She's fine, Jude. It's just something between her and I.”

Tilting his head in confusion, he simply nodded and ran over to Elize and Fractured Milla. Elle, who had been watching the event, took notice of something.

“Ah...! Ludger and Leia are holding hands!!”

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked toward the now double blushing couple. Time seemed to freeze as they tried to calculate what exactly that meant. It wasn't until Alvin and Rowen started to joke about them.

“I dare say,” Rowen started, “that Miss Leia and Ludger are now quite _intimate_ with one another.”

“I'll say.” Alvin added. “Who knows what those two were doing while they were away.”

If Ludger and Leia weren't blushing before, they were really blushing now. 

“C-c'mon, guys...” Ludger started. “We weren't doing anything...”

“Or were you?” Alvin retorted.

“WE WEREN'T, ALVIN!!” Leia yelled, though she buried her face into Ludger's chest. He smiled at her adorable action. Elle ran up to them.

“So are you two dating now?” Commence ultimate blushing reaction.

“W-we...” Leia started, but gave up trying to sway the conversation. “... Y-yeah. We are.” Ludger nodded, unable to speak from the embarrassment. Elle looked them both over, as if evaluating them. Finally, she smiled and gave a thumbs up to Leia.

“Take good care of Ludger. He can be a big baby, so you have to give him a lot of love.”

“H-hey...! Elle?!” Ludger was shocked. He's been called plenty of things, but a _baby?_ That was a first. Not even Julius had ever called him that. Sighing, he patted Elle on the head, smiling at her. “Thank you for looking out for me, Elle.”

A slight blush graced her face, so she quickly turned away. “Y-yeah, well. I care about you... is all.” She turned back to him and pointed an accusatory finger at him. “And you had BETTER take care of Leia as well!”

His grip on her hand was a little tighter as he smiled even more brightly at Elle. “Of course. After all...” He moved his free hand from her waist to her chin and raised her head to look at her.

“I am in love with her.”

... Ludger would be feeling pain for quite some time due to the sudden attack Leia gave his head after his declaration of love in front of everyone, but he was glad. He noticed Jude looking at her with a kind smile on his face. Once he made eye contact with Ludger, he grinned and gave him a thumbs up, which Ludger reciprocated. 

Leia had watched the slight interaction between Jude and Ludger and smiled to herself. She reached up and kissed Ludger, ignoring the cheering in the background.

“ _I am in love with you as well. Now and forever.”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Should I do an additional side-story with Leia and Jude? Maybe do a "I'm ready to move on" kind of thing between them. Let me know!
> 
> I started this story shortly after I bought Xillia 2. I didn't finish it until long after I beat the game.  
> Needless to say, I started this short story, or oneshot (?) while I was still very early into the game. By the time this is posted, I would have beaten the game... maybe a little over a month ago. I continued to write it with the mindset that I didn't know anything about how the game can actually end.  
> It was actually pretty fun to do that. It was like... confusing to myself and I loved it. *giggles a little*  
> Please feel free to leave constructive criticism; my writing can be so much better, I swear. I'm beat myself up over it all the time, you have no idea.  
> Anyway, forgive me for the long "End Note." I'm just a little cheery.  
> Hope you all enjoyed~


End file.
